I stood in the shower staring up at the ceiling letting the water wash over me until it ran cold.
Averting my eyes from the floor as I knew the stainless steel needed a good scrub and pretending it wasn’t there.
Today this is Single Parenting.
Reaching out to turn the faucet off many times, but hesitating as I didn’t want to leave this comfort, this cocoon of warmth, this moment of respite.
In the mornings in our house, our Showers need to be quick as our Apartment Hot Water tank isn’t the biggest.
So come the weekends (when we are not rushing out to early morning sport, friends or events) I love having long leisurely showers when it isn’t about getting up and ready for the day, it’s just about enjoying the shower. Today’s shower featured really-really late in my day.
A shower always makes me feel better, even if only a tiny bit, it’s a refresh, a washing away, a re-gathering of thoughts and a small respite from what ever is happening in your life.
I always get a tonne of thinking, planning, decision-making and day dreaming done in my shower.
Today’s shower though…saw me second guessing all the decisions I make for my daughter and I and trying to figure out if I’m just royally messing it all totally up.
You see, my daughter hasn’t spoken to me for most of the day…and I’ve kept my distance purposely to give her some space.
I had made the decision to say no to something she wanted to do and had to tell her that earlier. I’m more than comfortable with my decision and know this one is right, but it doesn’t make being on the other end of the silent treatment any easier and having my daughter not talk to me still does hurt nonetheless.
But hey, if I was her, I probably would have done the same thing to my Mother, thinking that by me not talking to her that this was going to send her a clear message that she was wrong and that she would change her mind. Or that this will just show you how much I really don’t like her at the moment.
I’m sure I did this many-many times throughout my teenage years – sorry Mom!
In my shower today I wasn’t second guessing my decision to say no to her request, as I was still confident about that.
I was second guessing if I was “Doing it right”, this “Parenting thing”, this “Single Parenting” thing.
I’m confident that setting boundaries and having consequences for actions is the right thing.
…But second guess the level at which I set those things and if they are ‘right’.
I’m confident that I love my daughter whole heartedly and try to find ways to show her this daily so that she knows she can always rely on that.
…But I second guess if she will pull on this when she needs it most in the future.
I’m confident that spending the quality time with her, alongside her, being an involved parent, cheering her on throughout her up bringing has been such a huge part in building strong foundations in who she is, how loved she is, how important she is, that she matters.
…But I second guess if it is ever – enough.
I’ve been Single Parenting for a really long time, first becoming a Single Parent some 13 years ago now.
For 6+ years of this time I was in a Relationship/we then Married – Single Parent, but then for the last 7+ years it’s been just me completely on my own.
Doing this without backup, without that sounding board, without that support, without that encouragement, without that load share-er and without that ‘hey you are doing ok’ and without that ‘I’ve got your back’. Let alone the Love part and sharing your life with someone (that’s another post).
Today though, my Shower was my Sounding Board, my Supporter, my Encourager, my Load Share-er and my Back stop.
Sounds cheesy I know, but it was.
It didn’t talk back to me, except to say “awwwwhhhh, here you go, have some more nice warm caccoooney water”.
Staying in there for 20 mins right until the water ran out was the best thing for me today.
After getting dressed and ready, my Shower let me go down stairs and curl up behind my daughter and give her a hug.
To which she snuggled into me and said, I’m sorry Mom.
…..scratch that…reality is…..no she didn’t, she shrugged me off, pushed my hand off and grumped something at me!
But, it didn’t matter, I hugged her for a brief moment anyway, let it be and was able to pick up and carry on knowing that as much as I was second guessing myself earlier:
* This to shall pass
* It will be OK
* Tomorrow is yet another day
Today this is Single Parenting