Archive for May 19, 2016

I don’t have the answer… Do you?

Share on StumbleUponShare on TumblrPin on PinterestShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebook

You know 2 months ago I was totally ROCKING this year – 2016!

Wanaka Clouds

I had an A-Mazing long Summer break with my Teen and family…

Made some pretty big – audacious – kick ass plans and goals for my year ahead…

Was rocking through killing-it at home, my daughter and I were in a great routine, managing to work through Teenage-dom semi-successfully most of the time, advancing through my biggest tasks at work, loving my writing, pushing further into my faith, putting myself out there and pushing in my work, my Blog life and my personal life, going great guns working behind the scenes in future Business plans I have, and ensuring I was making good time for my friends and family…

Like, seriously Rocking it.

I was focused, determined, tracking along great…

I had a made a conscious decision on the Summer Break that:

2016 was to be MY year!

It was my year to MAKE STUFF happen…

My year to sometimes put myself first to work on my hopes and dreams…

My year to set those goals and work damn-damn hard to achieve them…

My year to work through what the future means, what new dimensions my life will take on when my Teenager goes to Uni…

My year to really start stepping forward into my future…

My year to ROCK IT…

Yeah…

Well…

Until…

A bazillion curve balls hit pretty much all at the same time…

Tipping life completely on it’s head…

Stopping it in it’s tracks…

Starting with an unexpected devastating diagnosis of someone I am close with.

The role I play in their lives meant 95% of my focus had to be on them and their family, as they had no one else to care for them.

5% was the drip I had left for my daughter with no time at all for family and friends.

50% went on dealing with crisis after crisis and just putting out fires in my daytime work.

Yeah, I know that add’s up to more than 100%, well that’s what it felt like…

Running, literally running every waking hour at 150% for the last 2 months.

Grinding to a halt everything in my personal life and in my work life that wasn’t an absolute urgent essential, must happen now or it will catch on fire type urgent.

My Teenager honestly even had to virtually fend for herself with not much input into her life bare the essentials of checking she had money to feed and transport herself, that she was doing ok even though I could only be around pretty much to sleep and making sure she was home (but she coped).

As guess what, when there is a problem, a crisis, a disaster ???

I react like a man…

My first reaction is to solve the problem…

Jump straight into “OK, lets look at the big picture and work out how to help”…

Start setting plans in place…

Start gathering helpers…

Start gathering information…

Quizzing the people that know stuff to be able to help more, be informed etc…

Take a bunch a notes, share the info, keep everyone informed…

Go into Over-Drive to physically HELP!

I go into over-drive and work myself over the top ridiculously hard as it is one way I ‘can help’ when you feel so helpless in a situation.

Usually I can just slim-ly avoid hitting the wall and eventually the crisis’ pass and eventually you catch up on life again.

But in the last two months, there was just NO let up (and there won’t be for a long time yet).

More and more and more things become top-level urgency.

Round every corner, there were more curveballs.

This time I was running so fast I was teetering over the edge of hitting the wall everyday…

Then…

I starting to get Sick with a reoccurring illness that I get…

Ironically, the illness I get isn’t at all related, it’s not because I’m burning the candle at both ends and then sides of it and it’s not at all related to stress… you would think surely it had to be, but nope, not related.

Two days later we were dealing with major flooding here in Wellington and spent the day fighting against rising flood waters and Sand bagging our little hearts out…

Soaked all the way through to my underwear and swimming in my gumboots in the torrential rain…

The next day… I hit actually did hit the wall and my illness took over…

Sleeping 31 hours…

I was down and out, hit the deck, it wipes me for 2 weeks for the worst of it where I am a complete an utter mess physically…

I sleep night and day only waking for a bit of food in the evening then straight back to sleep…

The medication they have to put me on, as otherwise the illness would probably end me up in hospital without it, is a win/loose situation.

Yes… it eventually stops my illness…

But my body always has adverse reactions to the medication, causing me horrendous side effects.

Yup… a mess for at least 2 weeks…

Then it takes me another 1-2 weeks to slowly claw my way back up.

Suddenly I was thrust into the fact I physically CAN’T help anyone…

As I am then absolutely useless to anyone…

Jellyfish

It’s a huge reality check helping people in their crisis’ and makes you think you have put things in perspective.

But the crazy thing is then… being helpless and physically made to stop yourself and do absolutely nothing puts another huge spin on reality and shows an even bigger different perspective.

What does this all mean…

I HAVE NO IDEA!

NO IDEA!

I don’t know how to help people in such need without doing everything you possibly can…

It will be months and months and months of help yet to come and months and months yet of desperately trying to claw back to baseline at work to catch-up, let alone do anything preemptive and going forward.

How do I not live so close to teetering on the edge of hitting the wall when crisis comes…

When there is so much riding on everything for the people you care about…

When you can’t just leave it at the door and go home as peoples livelihoods depend on it…

When you can’t just walk away leaving someone completely alone without essential support as there is no one else…

I know everyone always says, you have to look after yourself first…

Blah… blah… blah…

That’s what I would tell people on the other side too…

Blah… blah… blah you will be no good to anyone if you fall over too… etc…

I would tell them…

Take just one step at time, then the next thing, that’s all you can do…

Well…

What happens when those steps need to be running…

What happens when your running and playing a virtual game of fruit ninja as you go…

What happens when actually the crisis’ really are much-much-much more important and affect too many other people not to put them and those things first… ?

Do I care too much?…

It feels RIGHT to care!…

It feels wrong-really wrong to ‘not’ help…

It feels wrong-really wrong to no do what it takes…

I don’t have the answer…

I have no way to finish this post off…

No profound words…

No great insight…

I don’t have the answer…

Do you?

How do you guys cope with prolonged crisis and putting out only fire after fire?


Happy Mum Happy Child


Share on StumbleUponShare on TumblrPin on PinterestShare on Google+Tweet about this on TwitterShare on Facebook